Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*