If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
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Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
that colleague who touches your screen
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️