Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.