I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
ready to be harvested
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
umm…
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight