Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.