The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
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Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Fights fire with marshmallows
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
President The Rock Obama
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses