“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
incredible text to wake up to
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My love language is deader than Latin
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.