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Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
You are what you delete.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
excuse me
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I would move hell over six inches for you
is there nothing we can trust anymore