[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
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That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?