I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My dad is at it again
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Where’s my employee discount too?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.