It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Meow
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.