Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
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My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.