If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people