My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
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A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.