Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.