Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.