On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
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Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
The photographer’s assistant
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
you will never know the true number of layers
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.