“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.