At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
You Might Also Like
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.