“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.