I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?