Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.