Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY