My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?