ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
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Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.