Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter