If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Van Gone
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o