Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.