this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
You’re the water to my grease fire.