robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
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It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?