*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
You Might Also Like
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Who chose this font