In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.