Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
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scared to check what name she chose
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”