I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
The first one, obviously
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.