Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My whole life was a lie.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]