I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
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[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness