I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
*Inspirational Tweets*
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m good, thanks.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)