My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
You Might Also Like
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
#ProTip
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange