If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…