There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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this is the most humiliating day of my life
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Always 🥴
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich