Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
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“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.