My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
doing some research
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*