I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.