Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
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I thought this was funny lol
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating