From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
jesus christ confetti not now
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
kitchen magnet
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.