i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
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I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.