[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
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Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.