Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
こいつ天才
A collection of me turning into random objects.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“Why you watching this shit?”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape