Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
You Might Also Like
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”