writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
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Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
My current situation
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.